Out of Time
by rhead-a-holyc
Summary: But he still loved her. And he only realized far too late. Possible Triggers.


**Camp Potter: First Aid, Week 4**

**The Completely Stumped Challenge**

**Out of Time**

He still remembered that woman, no _the_ woman.

She had been just like him, a squib, yet so very different. He had wanted desperately to have magic, to be like the other witches and wizards, while she had been happy without magic. She had lived for so long without magic she simply didn't think she would ever need it. She was happy with everything she had, enjoying the simple fact that she could pass between either world and not be part of only one. She was happy with the inventions developed to make life easier for them.

He had always been preoccupied with everything he _could_ do had he been born with magic. He had not been happy. Never satisfied with what he had.

He didn't _need _magic, but in a school full of students who could perform magic at will and always making his life difficult, it was nearly impossible not to want to be able to perform magic too.

None of the courses worked though. He had tried them, all of them. He didn't have a shred of magic within his body to cast even the most meagre of spells. He had continued to promise himself that he would never again try a new course, that he was happy with how he was, but he could not help himself every time there was something new. It was almost as if there was a new hope that died every time something else failed.

It hurt that he couldn't do it.

It hurt because the last time he had seen her, they had fought over this very thing.

She had warned him to be happy with what he had. He had been angry with her. How could he be happy without magic? How could he be a part of the wizarding world without any magic? They had argued and fought, their voices raised allowing everyone to hear their verbal abuse at each other.

He gave her up for a magic he could never have. She had known it, and in a way he knew that he did too. He had been holding on to strings that were so fragile they had broken far easier than he had wanted them too. He had hurt her for no reason other than his own pride, and his desire to be something he was not.

He was a fool.

She had only tried to protect him from himself, but he had thrown it back in her face.

He had left her in tears without looking back, without apologizing. He had been so focussed on what he wanted that he never saw what was really in front of him.

He had destroyed his chance of being happy, of being with someone who truly loved him for who he was. In reality she had loved him far more than he loved himself. She had seen more in him than he had believed even existed.

He was such a pathetically useless excuse for a human being.

Maybe it was a good thing he had been born without magic. At least he could do less harm then. Not that he hadn't already done a lot.

It really didn't help that he couldn't get her out of his mind either. Everything reminded him of her. The wild flowers growing near the Forbidden Forest to the smell of freshly baked bread in the kitchens reminded him of her. He could have had all that, if only he had been just a little bit smarter.

A little bit wiser.

A little bit more mature.

He still loved her, as much as he had hated to admit it in the beginning. He truly did. He had simply never understood how much until he realized that he was lonely.

The weekly letters from her never arrived anymore. The small little things, that she sent him to cheer him up every once in a while, no longer arrived.

He had been scared, no _terrified_, for her when he had heard of the dementors in Privet Drive. She wouldn't be able to protect herself if she were to face one alone.

His entire life was just one miserable mistake after the other. At this point, if his parents had told him that he was a mistake he would unquestioningly believe them.

He could almost imagine her voice in his head, even now when it had weakened slightly, telling him that he was just being silly, telling him that it was only that bad because he saw it that way. She would tell him that there are always positive sides to everything.

Merlin help him, but he could not see any positive side to how badly he had messed up his entire life.

But he loved her and, although he had angrily stormed out of her house that cold evening, he could still imagine her caring for him, looking at him like he was the best thing in the world.

He couldn't let all her work go to waste. He couldn't allow all her faith in him to be proven wrong, because she was right. She was always right. She always knew what to say. She always understood, even if he didn't.

He wished he hadn't stormed out of that house.

He wished he hadn't said all those cruel words.

He wished he hadn't wanted so desperately to have magic.

He wished he could have that feeling of happiness back, just for a moment.

He wished he wasn't such a big failure, that he could be someone for her to be proud of.

He wished for so many things, but he knew that he was out of time.

He had carelessly cast aside all the time he had been gifted like an ungrateful child, just like those children in Hogwarts that used their magic for silly things.

He was stupid. He was naïve. He was the ignorant fool he always complained everyone else was.

But he still loved her.

And he only realized far too late.

He still remembered her.

He still missed her.


End file.
